Lauren W.

I know you won't read this
because you think i've already written our break up poem

and i have
but I'm not done yet

this isn't really a poem, more-so just me getting my thoughts written down, in hopes that maybe it'll help me feel better

dear you,
i miss you

not just at night when I'm lonely
but all the time

morning, midday, evening, hell i even miss you while I'm sleeping

i know you're not spontaneous
and you always do whats right

but we should've jumped in the ocean that night

and i want you to call me
at 2 am when you're missing me

not because its right
because we know its not
but because you don't care whats right

screw being right all the time
im sick of being perfect
i want flaws and mistakes
and for you to call me and tell me you miss me
i want to be a fool with you
instead of logical without you

i won't beg you to stay with me
but i am forgetting your voice

i want to call you when something goes bad
but i mostly want to call you to tell you when something goes good

i want you
i miss you
so much

I've been asked on 2 dates this week
and every time i go out
i think "this isn't him"

they don't make me laugh like you do

their hands don't fit the way ours do

i don't just miss you because I'm lonely
i miss the way you laugh at everything
and the way your thumb rubs mine when we're holding hands

i miss the way you'd mock me when i said something dumb
or when you'd text me what cards you had so that we could win

i miss stealing peoples car just so we could kiss in the graveyard

but mostly
i just miss my best friend

so if you ever read this
just know
I'm sitting here
thinking about you

and if you are reading this
that probably means you're thinking of me too

dont do whats right
be a fool
be my fool

i think its safer to fall in love with someone
who never loved you back
then to fall in love with someone
who said they did

my mama always said that in order for someone to love me
i have to learn to love myself

i think she's wrong

i think its easier to love yourself
when you have someone holding your hand while you walk down the aisle of your imperfections

aisle 2 crooked smile
aisle 6 wide hips
17 drama queen

someone to pick you up when you trip over your flaws
or tell you that doing your best is enough

tell you that you are enough

i was learning to love myself
until i learned that it was a lie

the next day it was goodbye
thought you were a good guy
and I'm sorry
i didn't qualify

i told myself not to fall in love
nows not the time

i told myself he's not the one
you're too young

my head keeps telling me no
but my heart is saying yes
my body is saying now
and he's saying we'll make this work somehow, my love

it was 12:42am
we were intertwined in the sheets of his bed
"i'd marry you tomorrow, if i could"

everything was right
but so so wrong
in all the right ways

until

it was sunday
and it was raining
he asked to hold my hand on the way home

then dropped me off
for the last time

then he left

i felt too much

he didn't feel at all

I've spent my life loving people
who don't love me back

"its nothing new"
i tell myself

my heart is at a crossroad
of letting go
and holding on

because i hate you
but i want you to show up at my door
and fight for me

but thats the problem here
is that i feel too much

and he feels nothing at all

so at 3 am when I'm hurting
and he's sleeping

ill tell myself
"its nothing new"

and let go

it was all a lie

i grew up by the ocean
i have salt water in my veins

I've never been scared of waves
or drowning

i met a boy
by the ocean
who pulled me in like the waves
swirled me around and danced with me for a while

and pushed me back out with the current
when something new came along


it was the wrong time or the wrong place or something
but i let it happen

because I've never been scared of waves
or drowning

i met a boy
by the ocean
who i loved
who left

and i am now scared of waves
and drowning

i made the mountains my new home
and I'm not afraid of heights



i thought you were the one