Lauren W.

I'm scared that one day someone is going to ask how i am 

and ill tell them

I'm scared of saying "terrible, i've had the worst week of my life" 

because that will scare them off 

and i can't scare them away because I'm scared of being alone

I'm scared of boys

I'm scared of kissing, and holding hands, and falling into love

because falling out of love is inevitable

and broken hearts can't be healed

and memories will never leave

no matter how hard you try

no matter how many pills you take or cuts you make

no matter what 

these memories will never fade

I'm not scared of swimming

or the ocean

I'm scared of drowning

drowning in the pool
drowning in the ocean
drowning in my thoughts

I'm scared I'm actually a terrible writer and my mom only compliments me to be nice

and I'm scared that if she's just being nice about this that she's just being nice about everything else too

I'm scared my entire life is a lie 

im not scared of the dark, or night time. I'm scared of silence- where there is nothing to hide me from my own conscience. 

I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm so scared

and im scared of being scared

and that scares me

when i was 11 i threw a brick at my school bus window

the window shattered
my mom shouted
and my dad almost shot me

yet the only thing i vividly remember is how proud i was that i could throw a brick that far

now the 17 year old me is nothing like the 11 year old me

and i do miss the 11 year old me

but 17

17 isn't 16

it's not new licenses and first dates

and it isn't 18

moving out
college
real responsibilities 

its 17
and all of the best songs are about 17

so lets sing
and lets dance
and lets pretend we know what love is
and lets pretend we love each other
and lets pretend we're happy

because its 17

and i have lived my whole life to get here

in something other than my thoughts

a. love
b. love
c. love
d. love

maybe love isn't the answer

maybe a²+b² doesn't = c² 

and maybe we waste too much time finding someone who loves us and don't spend enough time  loving ourselves

i've failed every test and every exam i've ever taken because 

well

maybe love isn't the answer

for all these years i've tried, i have always come out more hurt

more broken

more of a failure than i was before 

i fell for you so fast y=mx+b couldn't measure the slope 

distance over time couldn't find the speed

e=mc² misled my heart to a place i thought you'd be

and i can't seem to find you

or myself

so maybe i'll study a little harder 

and think a little more before circling the wrong answer

because loving you isn't right

loving yourself is

and you have to learn that on your own

"I'll never forget you" he said

"i'll never forget your soft lips and your perfect smile" 

"ill always remember my first love" he whispered through tears


"but if you loved me...

why'd you leave?" i mumbled to myself as he walked slowly out of my life